By Tom Fikiri Masarara

I grew up in Burundi, East Central Africa, in a polygamous Christian family. My father had four wives, and in 1989, our family was rocked by a revelation: my father had a son from a relationship before his first marriage. Suddenly, I, the fifth child, became the sixth. It was a chaotic and painful experience.

This was a world where toxic masculinity was the norm, and the abuse of women was seen as normal, even within the church. I’ll never forget a senior Methodist pastor advising another pastor not to hesitate to use a stick – “sjambok” in Afrikaans or “indugu” in isiZulu – on his wife. It was a stark example of the attitudes I was raised around.

As an adult, I made a personal vow to God to be a different kind of man when I had my own family. My first child was a girl, and I was fiercely protective of her. This went against the grain of my community, where baby boys were revered and girls were often seen as less valuable. My stance led me to become a human rights activist, advocating for the equal value of girls and boys. It was not an easy path, but I knew the change had to begin with me.

My commitment deepened in 2022 when I joined the Faith Action Collective to End GBV. Through the Faith Leaders Gender Transformation Programme, my understanding of theology and the role of women in the church shifted dramatically. I gained new insights into how to address sexual violence, women’s abuse, and LGBTQI+ issues within faith communities. My involvement has been life-changing.

The work, however, is far from over. Last year, I was judged for carrying my grandson on my back – a task typically reserved for women. A five-year-old boy even told me to ask a woman to do it for me. This small moment showed me just how deeply ingrained these attitudes are and how much work remains to be done to fight the pandemic of toxic masculinity.

I learnt a lot through the Sexual Violence Research Initiative (SVRI) newsletter and this encouraged me to hold workshops on masculinity. We now conduct workshops on the role of fathers and men in the lives of children and early development stage and how this can help to eradicate GBV, intimate partner violence and violence against children. These workshops are in collaboration with Heartlines and the Faith Action Collective.

There are many stories of positive changes through these workshops, and we are receiving requests for workshops based on participant experience.

Despite facing resistance, particularly when holding male religious leaders accountable for gender-based and sexual violence, I believe that the God who started this work will see it through to completion.

• Tom Fikiri Masarara is a Christian lay leader, married with three children and one grandson. He is the Liaison Officer of Power of Women and Children NPC, based in Tshepisong township in the West of Johannesburg.